Parts of Self 101: Parts at War

Hey Family, we are finishing out our brief introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS). 

If you haven’t already, please take time to read over my blog on Parts of Self 101: Core Self, Exiles, Managers, & Firefighters. In that post, I provide a basic overview of IFS and Parts of Self that will give context to what I will share today.

Parts At War

What does that mean?

Have you ever felt like you're at war with yourself? Like one obvious, or not so obvious mistake in your day sends you spiraling down into a battle of resentment, loathing, anxiety, or depression? You likely have a war going on between your parts. For example, you may have one part of you that wants to eat healthy and take care of your body. But it's been a long and stressful day, and another part wants you to reward yourself with junk food to deal with the stress. Or one part of you wants to be real and vulnerable in your relationships, but another wants to shut everyone out so you don’t get hurt. And then after these situations, the inner critic comes in to let that junk food eating or relationship avoiding part of us know how terrible it is and how it should be ashamed of itself, and how you should be ashamed because of it.

There is a tug of war going on between the parts of ourselves! 

As I wrote in the previous blog on Parts of Self 101, this tug of war happens when our protective parts, the proactive managers, and the reactive firefighters, are in battle to try to stop our pain. Managers employ proactive methods that are usually more socially acceptable, such as perfectionism, judging, pleasing/serving, doing, controlling, etc. Firefighters jump in when the managers aren’t able to prevent the pain. Firefighters use extreme measures to put out the pain, such as addiction, disassociation, sexual acting out, spending, etc. When a firefighter jumps into action to try to protect us, it often backfires and leaves us with more hurt and pain. Then the manager parts have to come in and clean up the mess. So these two parts normally hate each other, which can lead to a lot of internal confusion, conflict, and more pain.

Romans 7 describes this well when Paul talks about the internal battle of “doing what I don’t want to do, and not doing what I want to do.” That’s the picture of parts at war. But Paul doesn’t end in despair; he thanks God that there is deliverance through Jesus Christ. In Him, we are healed and given the Holy Spirit, who enables us to live at peace with ourselves and in alignment with God. But that doesn’t mean the war between our parts instantly disappears. 

The important thing to remember is this: these warring parts aren’t enemies to attack, but good parts of you stuck in bad roles. Both are trying to protect you from pain, even if their strategies clash or backfire. This doesn’t excuse the bad roles our parts are in or the bad actions we’ve done out of these parts. Those still cause damage to ourselves and others, and we have to take responsibility for that. But peace and transformation don’t come by silencing or shaming our parts.

It’s by letting our Spirit-led God Image self step in with compassion and curiosity. When we pause and ask, “What is each part afraid would happen if it stopped doing its job?” we create space for understanding, healing, and freedom. In Christ, these same parts can be unburdened and led into new, healthier roles — no longer fighting against each other, but working together under God’s leadership for your good. It takes a journey. And we will never be completely unburdened this side of heaven. But healing can improve when we take the posture of curiosity, compassion, and gentle leadership towards our parts that Jesus showed to those who were stuck and hurting.

Questions to Consider:

• Do you think this concept of parts at war aligns with scripture? Why or why not?

• Does it make sense that acknowledging the goal of a protector part (preventing or relieving pain) and helping it see better ways of accomplishing that goal is a more effective way to change behavior than hating it or shaming it? If so, why? If not, why is that a challenging concept?

• How does the idea that there are no bad parts, only bad roles, compare with what you’ve previously believed? 

• What is one practical way you can show compassion and curiosity to a difficult part of yourself this week?

Kyle

*The above photo was taken from https://www.therapywithalessio.com/articles/the-6-reasons-why-parts-remain-in-their-extreme-role-in-ifs-internal-family-systems

*Edited by Aiden Gober