Struggle with Over-explaining? 3 Keys to Change

Kyle Spears
Jan 29
2 min read

If you are like me, you may have a history of over-explaining yourself when talking to others. In this post, I wish to offer some action steps to overcome this habit.

What is Over-explaining?

We over-explain ourselves when we give more detail than is useful or helpful.
We overwhelm the person we are talking to and lessen our credibility. This is key. People will end up taking you less seriously.
Trauma can be a root reason we unnecessarily over-explain ourselves. A trauma response known as "fawning" or emotional pleading without concern for boundaries is thought to be at the heart of over-explaining.

How do we overcome it?

First, we need to be willing to connect with ourselves before we connect with others before we can truly change this response.

Connect with your Body. The body holds the story. The need to explain more than we should starts with how anxiety takes over the body. When we feel anxiety we need to first pause and locate the stress we feel in the body. Is it in your stomach? Head? Chest? Connect with that feeling before you explain yourself further. Is this an old feeling that has been around a while? If so, you have some work to do and that's okay.
Challenge your sense of inadequacy. Your worth is not an illusion. We are desperate to appear competent, reliable, trustworthy, loyal, and responsible. People have a deep fear that they are not enough. Connect with the weight of your words even if they are few. If you don't value your words, why should they? Your words lose weight when you add more of them.
Let go of controlling outcomes. Last year I ran across a quote I have clung to: "stop trying to explain yourself to people who are committing to misunderstanding you." If people want to understand they will ask healthy open-minded questions. We are not in the business of trying to get someone to see things our way or let go of their judgements. Free yourself! There is nothing you can do to explain yourself to people who aren't there to understand where you are coming from. You might be surprised how simple conversations can be if we let them be.